Reflection can be a wonderful and invigorating thing.
Over the last month and a half, I have had ample time to reflect on my most recent ended relationship, past relationships, and future relationships. I spent so much time beating myself up, blaming myself for the things that went wrong, apologizing more times than I should have, and trying to pinpoint when I could have prevented the breakup. Truth is, I can’t blame myself for someone who cheated. I can’t blame myself for someone who doesn’t know how to forgive and move on. I can’t blame myself for someone who is not comfortable being who they are. What I can do, however, is figure out what I want and what type of person I want. I can figure out my limits, what I will stand for and won’t stand for, and exactly how far my unconditional love will go.
I have put up with a lot in relationships. I’ve been cheated on. Several times. And took that person back several times. It was my first real relationship and I thought the right thing to do was to love them through it. Wrong. Cheating to me, now, is never okay. There are certain actions and feelings that are designated for your relationship only. You don’t get to share those actions or feelings with other people. First, I made excuses. Maybe I wasn’t doing something right. Maybe I had become boring. Maybe I had become unattractive. I knew one thing for certain, my emotional stance on my relationship was destroyed, as was the physical, not to mention the toll it took on how I viewed myself. Yet I took her back. Twice! The first time I really wanted to reconcile. The second time I just wanted to get even. And I did. It wasn’t right, but I wanted her to feel how she had made me feel so many times.
My next relationship was with a gay/straight woman. And what I mean by that is, personally, she was in all senses of the word a lesbian, but by society’s standard she was straight. She was never truly okay being who she was and I knew we would never last. I knew we would never live happily ever after. But I loved her. Wholeheartedly. As much as she would allow me to love her. After three years of back and forth, on and off, I had finally had enough and we ended things for good. I still care for her deeply. And she is happily married to her husband with a beautiful family. And we are somewhat friends now. There is no doubt in my mind that she loved me, she just couldn’t love me.
Recently, I dated a woman who was by all definition perfect. Looks, brains, devotion to God, sex appeal, caring, nurturing, everything that I had prayed for. She was the total package. God hit every item on my list and my list is long! But I was still carrying insecurities from my past relationships. I was still harboring negative emotions about myself from life in general. And I never opened up to her about these things, not all of them, and I probably never will. And when it ended, it ended badly. So again, the blame, the tormenting myself emotionally, the trying to figure out how I could have prevented this came back, along with all the other insecurities I thought I had pushed deep into the depths of my soul, that place where we put things that we like to pretend do not exist. I loved her unconditionally, but I loved her fearfully. Because once the insecurities really set in I felt unworthy. This was not her fault. It was my self-doubt telling me that I did not deserve her and that ultimately she would leave me. I was living for the thing that I feared the most…rejection and abandonment.
After too much time of blame and emotional self destruction, I asked myself “How would I define my prefect relationship?” Can I have a perfect relationship? Who defines perfect? What defines perfect? Because there are too many things that I still have to deal with for me alone. There are still hurdles of insecurities that I have to tackle. But I know that I will love you in that relationship. And no it will not be a perfect love, but it will be all the love I have. I will learn your love language so that I can give you the right kind of love so that it will be received. And I will listen to you, actively listen to you. And I will hold your hand in public, and I will wink at you from across the room, and I will make a post for you every Woman Crush Wednesday on social media. And I will stare at you, for no reason. And you, to me, will be perfect. Which will make us perfect together. Which will make that my perfect relationship.
“I find beauty in our imperfections. I find reverence in the fact that we own our flaws. We inspire and aid one another when dealing with shortcomings, heartache, and hurt. And through it all, we remain graceful, devoted, absolute, and above all companions. And that makes us perfect.” -STW