It’s Not All a Sham

I am flawed! Wow, seeing that on the screen kinda sucks. But that is my truth. Yet, everyone views me as so well put together.

“Sham has her shit together” they say. “Sham is so nice and giving” they say.

“Why the hell can’t Sham keep a relationship” I say.

Because I am flawed. Wait, let me clarify. I am not one to show weakness. If my world is falling apart around me, no one would ever know, not even my partner. You see, my entire life I have been labeled the well put together one. The well put together daughter, the well put together girlfriend, the well put together friend, the well put together employee. And when that “well put together” status has followed you your entire life, it is hard to be weak or vulnerable or emotional. It has literally made me handicap to any sort of weakness. So i keep up this charade, this “sham” if you will, that everything is always so perfect and beautiful, when in fact it is not. And when it becomes more than I can bear, and begins to trickle out at the seams, I become self-destructive and literally everything that I touch withers and fades.

I sleep next to women who have no idea who I am. Who have no idea of how vulnerable I would like to be. I use to sleep on my girlfriend’s chest every night, wrapped in her arms as she rubbed my back or shoulders. And she would ask me why she always had to hold me and I rarely held her. It wasn’t that I was being selfish or did not want to hold her, it was because in that moment I felt safe. And the guard came down and I did not have to be so put together. I could let go of the charade for just a few moments.

So often we leave relationships because we think our partner is selfish or that they don’t get us or maybe it won’t be so hard if I were with someone else. Or because we feel like we are not that hard to be with. To an extent, in certain moments, we are all hard to be with. Too often we don’t communicate enough and we don’t communicate effectively. I am guilty of this 8 out of 10 times. And more than not we stop fighting for each other. Love is not easy, but I promise you if you keep fighting, together, it will damn sure be worth it.

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