Truth: there is no proper way to handle a breakup. Please show me someone who handled a breakup with grace and dignity and not a tad bit of pettiness, drama, anger, spite, or what have you, and I will personally make them a trophy for most inhuman person on the planet!
You don’t just fall out of love with a person overnight, so of course there are going to many emotions, most of which you have never had to deal with and don’t know how to deal with. At least that was my experience. Here is my list of the worse possible things I could have done and the best things that I did during my breakup.
- I asked why. This was the worst. Because I never received an answer that made sense to me, and most of the time, with the amount of emotion swirling around, nothing will make sense. All I accomplished by doing this was driving myself crazy.
- I relived it. Every aspect of the breakup, including the weeks leading up to it, trying to figure out exactly where I could have prevented it from happening. When someone is set on leaving you, there is no prevention to it.
- I begged. Talk about losing all dignity. I literally begged her to allow me to fix it, to stay. I embarrassed myself and it made me appear desperate. I remember saying that I could not live without her. In all actuality, I cannot live without God, or water, or oxygen. The truth is I could live without her, I just didn’t want to. I wanted her.
- I harbored anger and resentment. At a point, I realized that this was only hurting me. And I finally came to the conclusion that I did not want to have those emotions anymore. And I didn’t. I loved this woman, and I cared for her so deeply, I hated the situation we were in, not her.
- I beat myself up. I made myself, to me, the worse girlfriend on the planet, because I analyzed and overanalyzed all of the things about me that would have made her want to leave. You cannot do this. Just because we make mistakes does not make us terrible people.
- Don’t play the blame game. Both parties are at fault to some extent. Just deal with that. Apologize for your wrongs, and let it be what it is. Don’t expect anything from them. Because at this point, they owe you nothing. All you can do is be responsible for your part in the situation.
- Stop arguing about it! Who cares who did what or who said what or who was being petty or who’s friends posted this or who was stalking who’s social media. It only makes things worse. Truth is, these are natural motions during a breakup of two people who loved each other, probably still do love each other, and still care for each other. All of that negativity is over and in the past. You can’t change it, so why relive it (see #2).
- Stop holding on to all the times they said “I will love you forever”, “We can get through anything”, “I will never leave you”, etc. All this does is build resentment. And that is not a feeling you want to feel towards someone that you still care for deeply, even though you may not admit it.
- Write. This blog has been my sanity and hopefully relatable for some. But it helps me to get the thoughts out of my head. They make way more sense when I can see them and read them back to myself.
- Take care of your body. The best way to lose weight…a breakup. I dropped 15 pounds in less than 30 days, which was very unhealthy. But now that the weight is off, I am forming healthy habits to keep it off.
- Surround yourself with good people. I have an AMAZING support group. And they will tell me when I am being irrational or when I have a right to feel how I feel, and when I shouldn’t send that long, mean text message that I will only regret later. They also keep me stocked with lots of red wine!
- Change your routine. Any little thing that didn’t remind me of her helped. Don’t get me wrong, I missed her greatly, but it hurt to constantly see the things that we once shared. I redecorated the bathroom and I bought all new bedding. I started partaking in activities that never really interested me before. I cannot tell you when the last time was I watched TV! I enrolled in a master’s program, finally, I started living my dreams. Not to say that she was holding me back from doing any of this, because most of these things would have happened with her in the picture, but the timeline simply changed.
- Stop trying to figure them out. Their emotions, their actions, just stop. They are dealing with a breakup just like you are. So almost everything that both of you do is going to be out of character. You will feel like you don’t know them because you don’t. You have never known them in a breakup. You are both losing the love of your life, the person you made plans with, laughed with, took vacations with. The person who knows your best and is seeing you now at your absolute worst. The person you never want to see hurting, but now they are and it is your fault. Do not hold this time against them. You two are not yourselves.
Breakups are awful. And watching the person you love more than anything hurt and act out is heartbreaking. But you two are dealing with an aspect of the relationship that you have never dealt with before and ,for most, never thought you would have to deal with. Let them be out of character for a bit. Emotions are high and you are both still processing. The key is to not take it personally, even if you think it is geared toward you. That took me a long time to learn.
“Loss to me does not equal love. I did not have to lose you to know that I loved you, emphatically, unequivocally, and with a love sparked by God himself. And I still do. I don’t lose those types of emotions in a matter of weeks. Loss to me equaled the revelation of things about myself that needed to be better.” STW