Be Careful What You Ask For…

How many times has someone, usually a parent, said this to you? I have heard it numerous time. Here lately, I have been speaking things into existence like crazy! By no means am I a prophet, but God has really been testing my words and the things that I claim to want in my life. He is attempting to see if I really mean what I say.

I told my friends that I wanted all of us to do some sort of mission trip at the first of the year. Something where we could go somewhere and simply help. A week later, a friend of mine doing work in Costa Rica called me out of the blue, and told me of the awesome things she is doing there and invited me down. Look at God!

I saw a video on Facebook yesterday of a guy who went to a grocery store and just randomly paid for people’s groceries. And I thought it was so great and I was completely inspired. I posted it and tagged some of my friends saying we needed to do something like this because we are collectively more than able to do this type of gesture. Later that night, I went and met a few friends for dinner. This middle aged man walks in, finds the table behind us, sits alone and orders his meal. The waiter delivered his food and I could not stop staring at this man, enjoying his meal. And I had this overwhelming feeling that I was to pick up his check. I brushed it off for a while then finally I could not ignore it anymore. I found his waiter, quietly asked for the man’s bill, and paid it. When the man was getting ready to pay, the waiter informed him that I had already taken care of it. The man came over to the table and asked why I paid for his meal. I honestly could not give him an answer because I didn’t even know why! I just said “yes sir, I just wanted to take care of your meal.” He goes “Did you know it was my birthday?” I responded that I didn’t but wished him a happy birthday. The man looked at me, pointed to the sky and said “so God is real.” I said “indeed He is.”

I got home later that night and cried until I felt like I had no more tears left. You see my relationship with God before this blog had become rocky. And for some reason I was shutting Him out. From the time I moved back to my hometown in January, things were just stressful and I felt no relief. Even when I prayed I felt that my prayers did not make it pass the ceiling. I honestly thought that God had given up on me, because I had given up on myself. I spent months feeling hopeless and depressed and taking it out on everyone around me. And if I wasn’t taking it out on them, I was simply shutting them out. I hated my job, I was gaining weight, my skin wouldn’t stop breaking out. I isolated myself because I had never felt the feelings I was feeling at that time and I did not know how to handle them. And then to add to it, I went through a terrible breakup. I was feeling attacked. And the devil was winning.

One day I spent two hours on my face crying, praying, talking, begging, pleading to God. And the last thing I said was “I cannot do this anymore. You have to intervene and save me because I don’t know how much longer I am going to last.”

All I could do was ask everyone close to me to pray for me as well. I got my pastor involved which I had never done. And he wanted to know everything, down to the breakup. Before, he had no idea that I had been dating a woman…or least I didn’t think he did. But he knew. And I feared he would judge me. But he did not. As God’s servant, he simply prayed me through my heartache, my anxiety, my depression, and my hopelessness. And it took some time.

God wrestled with me for weeks. And as I have said before I was torn apart layer by layer. But oh when He began to put me back together! When He began to say I am listening to you, but I want to see how serious you are. When the tests came, there were times when I failed, but I noticed it immediately and prayed for continued grace and mercy. And now He has started to use me…ME! Who couldn’t see pass my nose for months!

Before, I was trying to bargain with God. I wasn’t praying, I was negotiating. And you don’t negotiate with God. When my spirit began to humble and I changed my perspective, my thoughts, my actions, and my words, a shift began. Malachi 3:10 says “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.” I was only allowing God into certain areas of my life because I thought I had the rest covered. The truth, I didn’t. And he ripped everything from me literally in the blink of an eye. As quickly as He had given it, He took it away. When I finally surrendered all of me, I was not ready for the joy and blessings that just seemed to fall from the sky.

I said all of that to say this: Try Him. I dare you to.

“I did not know the power of my own tongue, or how many seeds were being planted with my thoughts. But there is beauty in the breakdown. And the restoration is astonishing.” -STW



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