There are just people in your life who will never be happy for you, no matter what. I have made a lot of changes over the last 2 months. Changes that were imperative to my well-being, changes that were crucial for my current and future relationships, platonic and romantic, and changes that were vital for my spiritual growth. The devil is working. And it becomes more and more apparent to me every day.
Two days ago, a friend of mine said to me “You better get ready. Because the devil is about to gun for you.” And she was right. Yesterday, I offered my apology to anyone who has ever felt like they were done wrong by me. But lately I have found myself constantly defending my past actions and I have simply decided to stop. I am no victim, but I am also no predator. And there comes a time when no matter how long you want to hold on to something or someone, you have to let go. And today, I choose let go. I have no desire to live in the past, to keep hearing about the person I was and the things that I had done, to keep being pulled down and emotionally hurt because of things that I cannot change. At some point, you have to make the decision to move forward.
There are two demons that were meeting me at my front door everyday for a long time: grudge and resentment.
I harbored those feelings for a while, but the only thing I was gaining from that was hurt to myself. And once I was able to come to terms with things dealing with my breakup and once I was able to stop making myself the predator for the breakup I was much better off. I have been so angry this morning! Because I do not understand how there can be a problem with growth, no matter when it comes. Yes, I did a lot of things wrong, Yes I have apologized profusely for those things, but I will not continue to allow those things to hinder my current process and I will not continue to defend myself. I am not really concerned about the thoughts of others as far as my life or my breakup is concerned, because I know who I am. And the people who truly know me, know who I am. I hit my rock bottom already, and those true friends were there every step of the way.
I am sorry that for some, my progress did not come soon enough, but I am grateful that it came when it did. People are put in your life for a purpose and I am starting to see that not everyone is meant to be there permanently. For the first time in my life, I am trusting God’s plan completely. And it has been so rewarding, but some parts of it have hurt deeply. But not everyone can understand when your life takes a shift and I will not apologize for being better. Though in James it says to “count it all joy…when you meet trials of various kinds” those things can still sting to the core. And my heart hurts today, for the first time in a long time. But I trust God to restore my joy. I am finally ready to put this situation to rest. Wounds need to heal and unless there is a true process for me, they never will. This is my official release.
“So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 2:1-25
I ask for prayers. I ask for encouragement. And I thank you for staying the path with me on this journey.
“I can apologize for the person I was when I hurt you, but I will not defend that person or those actions any longer. Because that person no longer exist. And those actions have faded from my character. Refinement has come at its perfect time. And I have embraced it.” -STW