I went running this morning, for like the 3rd time ever in life! It was 7 a.m. and I was wide awake, so I figure why not do something productive. I put on my newly bought workout clothes…side-note, I joined a gym yesterday…and headed out the door for the park. It felt amazing! And I also thought I may die a little! But it was good to be outside, to be doing something I don’t usually do.
I realized some time ago that my old life was no longer working for me. And things needed to change. I wasn’t a bad person, I had just become very stuck in my ways. I was stubborn and hard-headed…and selfish at times. But that was because I had a tendency to be a very controlled person, which in essence made me controlling.
I started this blog for 4 reasons:
- to have an outlet, a release if you will, for the things I was feeling and dealing with during my breakup.
- to reveal to myself the things in my life that impacted the breakup.
- in hopes that others could relate to me so that I didn’t feel so alone in my emotions and thoughts.
- to grow and improve in every area of my life that I could.
I was growing, and I still am, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but I wasn’t growing very much physically. I have said for months that I wanted to be in better shape, because when I moved back home I gained a good amount of weight, 15 pounds to be exact, and that is a lot of weight for me. And it caused me a great deal of suppressed depression. I was obsessed with weighing myself, but had no motivation to workout. During the breakup, I lost a lot of weight, because when I am upset I don’t eat or I eat very little. Another one of those “be careful what you ask for” moments. I asked to lose weight, God said ok here’s your breakup! I am being a bit dramatic, but you get the idea.
After all the realizations I had made, I was still only working on parts of me and not all of me. God was giving me exactly what I had asked for! To be better, to grow, to form new experiences, and I was still picking and choosing. I was still negotiating with God on what I thought needed to be worked on within myself! I still wasn’t admitting that there were more problem areas. I was still attempting to hide them from an all-seeing God.
I came across Psalms 32:3-5 “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Before my renovation, I felt just as this verse said: evaporated strength, wasting away, feeling guilty, burdened and torn down. But then I slowly began to confess my sins, little by little. I slowly began to take responsibility for my transgressions and wrong-doings. By no means am I where I need to be, but there is such joy in the fact that I am getting there. For God has forgiven me. And that is the real forgiveness that I needed.
I can’t continue to pick and choose what I think needs to be fixed or worked on. I can no longer bargain and negotiate with God. I have to give it ALL to Him. And He reminds me of that everyday. Because by nature I am a backslider, but I am getting better. I am definitely much better than I use to be. And thank God for that!
Happy Saturday all! And a huge thanks to all of you for reading my words and supporting my journey.
“Grow, always in all ways. And even if you stumble, find the strength to get back up. There is motivation in the renovation, and comfort in the progress.” -STW