Romantic relationships are some of the greatest things, but can also be some of the worst. As you all know, I just went through a breakup with a woman I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with. It was difficult for several reasons.
- She was the woman that I had been praying for, down to the color of her eyes. There could not have been a more perfect woman for me.
- We made plans, long term plans, and were even in talks of building our first home together right before we broke up. We had even picked out the name of our first child.
- My family loved her and considered her family. She would go visit them and I didn’t even need to be with her because they were now her family as well. And her family treated me the same.
- We had a combined household, she was my routine, I became accustomed to everything that was her. She was literally a part of every aspect of my day.
- I adored her and loved her more than I loved myself (she may not feel the same way, because I use to be a tad bit selfish). :)
More than any of that, I lost the most important part of me. And to be quite honest, I haven’t been the same since. I am growing and bettering myself, but I still long for her. It is the weirdest thing. It never takes me this long to get over a breakup, but so much of my heart was in this one that I believe it shared the same beat as hers. And she was amazing! She is amazing. She knew me better than I knew myself and I was still trying to figure parts of me out.
But we moved QUICK. And things went from perfect to terrible literally overnight. And letting go of her has been the most difficult part. We attempted to be friends, but I quickly realized that I, in no way, could be friends with someone that I was still in love with. And we just kept sending each other on these emotional roller coasters. So I made a decision to cut all ties. And I cried for two days after. And then I ran into her. What are the odds! And reality really set in because we did not even acknowledge each other. It took all I had not to approach her, to beg her back, to apologize again, to want her to just see me. But I could not do that to her or to me. I could not put us back on that roller coaster.
Mark 11:21 says “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
It is hard to move pass the fact that God gave me exactly what I asked for and I wasn’t ready to receive it. I have asked so many questions about why things ended and why we could not reconcile. But then I just had to stop asking. Because just like I prayed for a woman like her, someone is praying for a woman like me. The woman I am now.
Matthew 6:33 says “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
I sought God’s kingdom, but somewhere along the way I lost sight of why I had been so blessed with the woman that HE had given to me. I neglected her. Her heart. Her mind. Her emotions. I did not give her all of me. I gave my greatest blessing the scraps of my heart, of my body, of my mind, of my emotions. And for that, I will be forever sorry. For the way that I made her feel, for the nights she felt like she was sleeping alone though I was right beside her. For the times I heard her, but wasn’t listening. For the blank stares, the unoccupied attention. For the joy I ripped away from her. I. Am. Sorry.
God is a redeemer. And just as He gave love to me before, He will give it to me again. And this time, I will be ready. Because just as I am praying for her, there is a woman somewhere praying for me.
“I gave life and the world most of me and offered her what was left. And in return, I expected her completely. Our love was uneven. And I will be forever sorry to her.” -STW