I was doing my devotional this morning and just started picking some books of the Bible to read a few verses from. I came to 2 Peter and in an empty space I had written:
“My gratefulness towards God’s mercy has transformed into frustration at my lingering, sinful nature. Why do I, even knowing Christ, continue to fail?”
I have no idea where this quote came from. I googled it, and nothing came up. So I either wrote it or someone said it to me directly. Either way, it resonated with me heavily. “Why do I, even knowing Christ, continue to fail?” What a question to ask yourself!
The one word that kept coming to me was submission.
And by submission, I mean to God; not to the world or to things, but to God and even in some cases to people.
James 4:7 says “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Ephesians 5:21 says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
There are so many ways to perceive submission. A husband to a wife, a wife to a husband, and in my case a girlfriend to a girlfriend (soon wife to wife hopefully). I have never been much of a submissive, which opens up the box as to why, even knowing Christ, I continue to fail, and also why my relationships continue to fail.
It was about control to me. I felt like not having control made me a failure, when it was actually the complete opposite! Allowing myself to be free spirited, to be easy going, to be worry-free, to be relaxed and at ease is the true success. And although I say I want God to have complete control over things and situations and that I have faith that He will work it out, I always find a way to put my hands back on it. Silly me! That’s that stubbornness coming out!
In relationships, it was similar. I am not a male by any means, but I felt myself take on the male role at times. By doing so, I was almost making myself above my partner when in fact we were and should always have been equal. I chose to put myself in that role because I felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I felt like I was supposed to be the breadwinner and the runner of the household. I was mentally a watered down male chauvinist! That is disgusting to even think about! But that is the reality of my past mindset. Yuck!
Submission can be an amazing thing, when there is balance between all parties. It’s almost like compromising. And these two things have been a part of healthy relationship foundations since forever. I am an arguer…debater…by nature. And my friends have even said “If I am arguing with you, and I know, without a doubt, that I am right, you have the ability to convince me that I am wrong.” That is a blessing and a curse! And I still don’t really know how I feel about my capability to do something like that, but it was so true! I never want to make people feel invaluable; in their opinions, in their feelings, in their worth; but I had the amazing capability of doing that. That part of me had to die and I am glad that it did.
“I now realize it is not always about being right or wrong. Because most of the time, when you look back on it, it never really mattered anyway. I just want moments, good moments. I must learn to submit.” -STW