Have you ever been somewhere completely unfamiliar to you? You know nothing or no one, you don’t know what’s left or what’s right. You simply just don’t know anything.
I am in that place: mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I am literally in uncharted waters, no paddle, no boat, just me floating and I have no idea which way to go or if I am even suppose to move or if I am capable of moving at all. The devil is hard at work and I have been stunted by pure fear.
You know, it’s crazy. My blogs, at this moment, do not line up with my actions and I am embarrassed to say so. But my life has taken such an unexpected turn that I do not know how to just be still and allow God to work. I have never lost this much control of my life. And maybe that is the lesson in it all. I know I have never actually trusted God fully, 100%. Now, I have no other choice.
For months I have attempted to live a life that was dependent on Him because I have never done that before. And I have been tested, greatly. Now I think I am in my ultimate test. And the devil is absolutely making his presence known. I had to revert back to one of my own postings and kindly ask him to leave me be, because God is trying to show me something that the devil it attempting to distract me from. And he almost had me. God’s timing is perfect and unfortunately so is the devil’s. Times of depression, sadness, self worthlessness, doubt, betrayal, that is when he strikes. My guard was down and he came right on in and took me by the hand before I had even realized it.
Now there is a new hindrance: fear. And it is the purest form of fear I have ever felt. It is all-consuming. As much as I know I need to take my hands off the situation, as much as I know that things are working as they should, as much as I know that God is aligning me where He wants me, I am still absolutely full of pure fear. I. Am. Terrified.
So what do I do? My verse of the day today was Ephesians 6:10, “Finally, let the mighty strength of the Lord make you strong.” I can be an absolutely weak human being. The thing is, I was good at hiding it. I have lost that ability. And it so easy to trust God when you are not in a storm. To put it plainly a hurricane has come through and has erupted a tsunami on my life. My faith is wavering. My works are still there, but they are no good without faith.
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6.
I am seeking stability, which I have lost. I am seeking peace, which I have lost. I am seeking Him, which I have also lost.
It takes only a moment for things to change drastically, but the repair can take as long as God sees fit. I am wrestling with fear. I will not be rewarded for fear. I will not grow because of fear. I will not receive what God has for me in spite of or despite fear. I must rebuke fear.
“And though I am afraid, I plunge into the unknown and trust God to save me.” -STW