I have spent so much time over the last few months stripping apart and putting myself back together. Figuring out the negative, the positives, the neutrals, all of it. I have been challenged and tested in ways that I never thought possible, ways that I never thought I would survive. That is why I have been silent for a few days. I am processing: life, myself, my future, my present, what I want, who I want, every aspect. But one thing I am learning to stop doing is processing my past.
I have had a lot of time to think, and there were memories buried so deep that I finally had to open that door and release them. And the current events in my life kind of forced me to finally deal with all of those situations, circumstances, emotions, and scars that had just been lingering and slowly seeping out in my moments of weakness. They were beginning to overtake me. Things that I have never spoken out loud, things that were too overwhelming to deal with, pains that were still being housed in the core of my soul. Once I began to sort through those things, my baggage if you will, I noticed that the person that remained was not all that bad. She was still standing.
I have been trying to figure out what God is trying to show me. Why parts of my life keep seemingly falling apart. And I think I finally figured it out. I used things to define me that I should not have: my career, my relationships, my family, my friends even. I allowed those things to fully define who I was. They were my identity. The biggest one was my professional success. I used that as validation that I was a good person, that I was not a failure, that I was respectable and independent. I never needed those validations. God is my only validation. But I was so wrapped up in the things and circumstances of my life that I never even realized how much I was not paying attention to life itself. I was missing so much! My current situation is God trying to get my attention. He has it.
Job 11:17 says “Life will be brighter than noonday; its darkness will be like morning.”
I will rejoice even in the darkness because I have been promised provision and joy and steadfastness! There is a new hope that was not present before. There is fear that is dissipating. For God makes everything beautiful in its time and set eternity in the human heart and no one can fathom what he has done then or to come! (Ecclesiastes 3:11). My scenery is about to be so much more beautiful than i could ever imagine.
Do what makes you happy! Be with who makes you feel like you’ve never felt! Take a chance! Don’t regret missing a moment or an opportunity because of doubt or uncertainty. Go after something that scares you and allow it to change your life and astound you! Those will be the moments and the chances that are most worth it. Live, simply, wholeheartedly, fearlessly.
I thank God for His grace and His mercy that has sustain me for so long. 2015 was my year of reckoning. I am being prepared for things to come to pass.
Happy Sunday! :)
“I will take every opportunity, every risk, every moment, I want to just live! And I will not apologize for living.” -STW