Unworthy

Sometimes, I have to look up at the sky and tell God “I know that was you.” There are just some things that you cannot argue were directly because of God’s intervening. I have the great ability of being able to analyze a situation into something that it was never meant to be, usually negative. And that is currently my greatest flaw. My prayers lately have been very specific, so specific to the point where I have stated “I need movement that I cannot deny is you, God. Give me no room to second-guess. I need you to intervene on my behalf so that the things that are your will for me will manifest.” My only concern in life right now is God’s will for me. And slowly, He has begun to reveal what He wants.

In October, I walked away from my job. I had no set plan, some money in savings that would only last me a few months, and a fear that consumed me. I dove straight into the unknown with no one to lean on but God. Granted, I had my friends and family, but they could not fully understand the magnitude of what I had done. I have always been a very controlled individual, so for life to be out of control in all areas, was a struggle to say the least. But then I finally did something that God had been trying to get me to do for years. Be still.

I stopped worrying, and whenever I would feel the worry attempting to emerge I immediately began to pray, in that moment. Peace began to fill my life! And I was so grateful for it when it came! Friday night, I sat at home and out of nowhere I became so overwhelmed! I had no idea where it came from, there was nothing wrong, I was just overwhelmed. And I cried, and had no idea why I was crying. But I just let it happen. I thought to myself “This is it. I have finally lost my whole mind!” I had been doing so great with not worrying and not being overwhelmed and here it was again, and for no reason! I should say the reason was unknown to me.

I had spent the earlier part of the week interviewing for jobs, one in particular I had done three interviews for in two days. And I bombed that third interview, I knew I did. I even told my mom that I just did not feel confident about it, but that I was not going to worry about it. The old me, would have torn myself apart, trying to figure out what I could have said or done differently, attempting to change a moment that I could not get back. But I had prayed to God to just allow me to let it be. On Saturday, I received a call. I got the freaking job. This was indeed one of those moments where God had intervened and given me what He wanted for me. I could not deny it. The rest of my weekend was too perfect for words. My friends were here, we celebrated a birthday, and I had my own little celebration for myself, because I was finally able to do what God wanted me to do and just be still.

I am unworthy. I am unworthy of His grace, of His mercy, of His blessings. Yet he continues to bestow all of these things on me at exactly the right moment. And I will pray. Continually. Because God has shown Himself faithful and for that my faith is renewed. I do not deserve anything, but God says I deserve everything. And I have allowed Him to take over. That is the best decision I have made in my entire life. I have been a Christian since forever. I have done my devotionals since forever. I have been baptized and given my life to God. But my life had never fully been His until now. I stopped trying to control situations and instead just sat back and allowed God to do what He does best, take care of His child. I am unworthy, but I am so grateful.

“I strayed. I walked a path that, though I had laid it, was so unfamiliar to me. And as I made my way back to the starting point, there He was. And my life began.” -STW

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