I have spent so much time trying to be less like me that I have become even more like myself! How the heck does that even happen? So then I had to pose the question “What is it that I don’t like about myself that makes me want to stray from who I am?”I read something once that said ‘Worry about your character and not your reputation. Your character is who you are. Your reputation is who people think you are.” As humans, we have a tendency to become incredibly wrapped up in what other people think of us, how they view us, if they like us. What difference does it matter? I would get so consumed in how other people viewed me, to the point where it would cause me tremendous anxiety and form a basis for me to doubt who I was and if I were a good person. It was overwhelming. And to counteract the intense emotions I was feeling, I chose to feel nothing. I was in extreme desensitization.
Per Wikipedia, “in psychology, desensitization is defined as the diminished emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulus after repeated exposure to it. It also occurs when an emotional response is repeatedly evoked in situations in which the action tendency that is associated with the emotion proves irrelevant or unnecessary.” To put it plainly, desensitization is emotional suicide.
I learn something new about myself every day. Not any self-realization, not something that God has revealed to me, but through things regressed back to me from others. And some of it is quite interesting. The assumed audacity of me (or you) to allegedly say the things that I (or you) have supposedly said about people (or me)! See what I did there? The rumor mill is a two-way street. It amazes me what individuals will believe, what they will regurgitate, and the lengths to which they will go to spread adverse opinions which are merely biased judgments with little to no merit. On some level, we have all been guilty of this. We are, after all, human. But where does the cycle stop? Where is the truce? Where is the solicitude?
I quickly realized that I was not seeing myself anymore, but instead I was looking at how everyone else saw me. So, in my failed attempt to adjust to how everyone else wanted me to look and act and behave and sound, I became conscious of the fact that I was exactly who I was supposed to be, as is.
I have my quirks. I am, for the most part, a safe person. I rarely take risks. I am predictable. I am boring at times. I go to bed early…most nights. I have OCD tendencies like you would not believe! I am super particular, selfish and a bit stubborn. I put my foot in my mouth, often. I miss the little things sometimes. I can be crazy! I am a woman, so that trait is embedded in me! I forget things a lot (my memory is awful; I think I have a condition). I entertain gossip then ask God to forgive me for being insensitive. I have terrible verbal road rage. I love too hard and sometimes not enough. I am a good friend. I adore my family more than anything. You never have to question my loyalty. I like giving gifts. I will do whatever I can to help almost anyone.
I am a good person. My mistake was that I was wasting time trying to prove it.